[He doesn't say he doesn't want Sorrel because that would be a lie, so instead...]
Sorrel and I wouldn't work out so I am not interested in that.
I ask because... [He sighs. Talking about emotions is exhausting.] I desperately do not want to hurt him. And if you and he were starting to develop something, then I would say that you and I should stop finding our way into each other's trousers.
Listen, the last time I tried to ...Be. More than friends he freaked out, and shoved art work at me to leave him alone. Besides he keeps calling me the Dalish word for friend. Or affectionate nickname for flat ear, not sure.
[And now, there is a moment of greater silence.]
...Oh.
[A deeper, more profound silence.]
But. He.
[Confusion is very deep here.]
I don't understand - he ... completely lost it when I touched his cheek. Like full on, freaked out, Cyril.
[Out of all the things Adasse might have said, that one actually surprises Cyril the least.
He sighs, and the sound of it hints to a deep uncomfortableness that has much more to do with this own issues than anything with Sorrel.]
Before I try to explain, I have to know... How do you feel about him?
If you think of him as just a fling, then maybe it would be best to let him down gently and I don't have to try to help you understand. But if you think it could be more...
[Gently,] I know this is a lot to put on you all of the sudden and I apologize, but we need to figure all of that out before we continue.
[He can hear that, this note, and he feels a pause because ...whatever they are talking about. He's not even sure what they are talking about, or rather he does and he doesn't want to. So that note allows him to take a moment.
Think about the truth. Think about lying. Thinking about running. Thinking about ...stop running, for once.
A slow, slightly shaky breath, before he states simply.]
It's ... I would not ... want to be a fling. With him. It wouldn't be worthy of him, and what he ... means to me.
[Slowly.]
However, I don't need to know, if it is going to hurt you, Cyril. I never want to hurt you. I care about you, too.
You aren't hurting me, my friend. It means so much that you would worry about that, though. Thank you.
[Then, after a moment, because he has to process the weird ache in his chest over the idea that Sorrel has found someone who knows how precious he is.] And it means more that you care for him.
But caring for him means dealing with ... well, the Clan. His mother. And everything they've done to him. To us.
Pel once said to me that Clan Ashara chews up and spits out its young, and besides her, Sorrel probably has suffered the most of that. To tell you why means going into how the Clan does that. It means describing something that is almost like a shared trauma. I don't want to drag you into that unless you're sure.
[He let out a long breath going silent as he listened with care to Cyril's words. His long fingers flex around the crystal, and then he sighed softly.]
Cyril ... I don't have family. I haven't had anything near it in awhile. But. I care. I do care, a great deal for Sorrel. I care for you. So ... if knowing this helps you, helps him, then I'll know it. Just, don't be surprised if I'm not surprised. I've lived something of a trauma filled life.
I think it's less about surprising you and more about sharing something personal. I just want to make sure you're willing to listen... And it's good to know that you are.
I'm so happy that we met you.
[He's grows a little quiet for a moment then, unsure how to start talking about this, until he thinks he can relate it to some stories he hears about the Dalish.]
So you know how a lot of people seem to think that the Dalish are very... self-focused. You'll hear about how the Clans all believe in only one way to be a proper elf? And that all other paths are inferior or damaged in some way?
Yeah. I know. It's ... sort of adorable that the Dalish think they've got the only lock on being an elf. I mean, come on. Running about in the woods and killing humans isn't exactly - nevermind, that's not what we're talking about.
Nothing physical... At least, not really. Not to me, and probably not to
him.
It's more a deep, rooted sense of not being good enough. You're told over
and over and over that to be a member of the Clan, to be a part of that
family, it means a certain thing. It means clinging to the past and
carrying on the blood line. It means duty. It means a binding and children.
I was convinced until I came to the Inquisition that eventually I'd make
some poor girl a bored husband and have children and teach them the ways of
The People.
And that's me. I'm no mage. I'm no Keeper's son. Sorrel has a mother who
demands perfection and a role which dictates that he will eventually lead
the Clan. I'm willing to bet, it must feel as if the whole future of The
People are on his shoulders and if he ever falters, if he ever stumbles, if
he ever does anything for himself, he'll fail them all.
Falling in love with someone other than a perfect Dalish wife would be
faltering. It would be a betrayal. It would mean disappointing everyone.
I could do it. I could turn my back on the Clan, but he can't as
easily. I have freedom that he hasn't been allowed. His freaking out when
you tried to kiss him isn't necessarily sign that he doesn't want you,
Adasse. It could mean the exact opposite.
[Adasse let him in at the quiet knock, and he keeps pacing as he gestures to the bed for Cyril to sit on. Gnawing on his top lip, and he finally stops to look at Cyril.]
Okay. So. I think that your Clan is absolute garbage - putting that kind of pressure on their children that they can only be 'real elves' if they do what you want them to do. That's as bad as the fucking humans, by the by. And I, frankly, have no problem showing Sorrel how worthy he is of everything. That he can and should be happy, and I would be honored if he let me do that but.
[He exhales, looking at Cyril solemnly.]
...he would hate me, Cyril. If I was the reason he didn't have a Clan anymore. Didn't have a family. I know how hard it is, to have no one. I don't want that for Sorrel. Never. So... I don't know what to do.
[Cyril sits on the bed and lets Adasse talk. He doesn't really respond to the criticisms of the Clan except to nod a bit, he focuses more on the most important subject - Sorrel.]
I know what you mean. The times I've tried to tell him he doesn't have to go back, he got mad at me. I ended up dropping the subject completely to avoid a fight...
I'm not sure he can convince him to do anything either way. If he made the choice to not go back, it can't be 'for' you. It has to be for himself.
[Adasse heaved out a breath, looking down at his hands, before he shook his head a little. A bitter and sad smile curled over his lips. He looked over his shoulder at Cyril, wryness overcoming bitterness.]
... You know, I never planned on joining the Inquisition and giving up all my personal walls. But here I am, dealing with Complicated Dalish Mating rituals in which the mother of the man I want to court doesn't think I'm worthy of it without even meeting me.
[He put his hands on his hips.]
Well. Nothing for it. I'm going to need to talk to him. About ... things.
I'm sorry to drag you into this. On the plus side, he's going to want to talk to you soon too, and that will probably give you the opening to discuss all of this with him.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 04:44 am (UTC)... I. We're friends. Good friends. I haven't bedded him, if that's what you're asking. He doesn't ... like me like that.
[There's something softer, but still masked with wariness.]
So if. You wanted him. You know. It's fine. We're not a ... a thing.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 04:50 am (UTC)[He doesn't say he doesn't want Sorrel because that would be a lie, so instead...]
Sorrel and I wouldn't work out so I am not interested in that.
I ask because... [He sighs. Talking about emotions is exhausting.] I desperately do not want to hurt him. And if you and he were starting to develop something, then I would say that you and I should stop finding our way into each other's trousers.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 05:05 am (UTC)[He really doesn't see how they wouldn't work out - they would be so perfect - before he swallows again. His mouth is suddenly dry.]
I ... no. No, he's not interested.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 05:08 am (UTC)Are you certain?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 05:14 am (UTC)Listen, the last time I tried to ...Be. More than friends he freaked out, and shoved art work at me to leave him alone. Besides he keeps calling me the Dalish word for friend. Or affectionate nickname for flat ear, not sure.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 05:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 05:31 am (UTC)[Cyril knows from this moment on he's probably never going to kiss Adasse again.]
Falon is the word for friend.
Ma'nehn is more akin calling someone 'my joy' or 'my happiness.' He's saying that you bring him great joy.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 03:59 pm (UTC)He sighs, and the sound of it hints to a deep uncomfortableness that has much more to do with this own issues than anything with Sorrel.]
Before I try to explain, I have to know... How do you feel about him?
If you think of him as just a fling, then maybe it would be best to let him down gently and I don't have to try to help you understand. But if you think it could be more...
[Gently,] I know this is a lot to put on you all of the sudden and I apologize, but we need to figure all of that out before we continue.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 04:40 pm (UTC)Think about the truth. Think about lying. Thinking about running. Thinking about ...stop running, for once.
A slow, slightly shaky breath, before he states simply.]
It's ... I would not ... want to be a fling. With him. It wouldn't be worthy of him, and what he ... means to me.
[Slowly.]
However, I don't need to know, if it is going to hurt you, Cyril. I never want to hurt you. I care about you, too.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 04:53 pm (UTC)[Then, after a moment, because he has to process the weird ache in his chest over the idea that Sorrel has found someone who knows how precious he is.] And it means more that you care for him.
But caring for him means dealing with ... well, the Clan. His mother. And everything they've done to him. To us.
Pel once said to me that Clan Ashara chews up and spits out its young, and besides her, Sorrel probably has suffered the most of that. To tell you why means going into how the Clan does that. It means describing something that is almost like a shared trauma. I don't want to drag you into that unless you're sure.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 05:19 pm (UTC)[He let out a long breath going silent as he listened with care to Cyril's words. His long fingers flex around the crystal, and then he sighed softly.]
Cyril ... I don't have family. I haven't had anything near it in awhile. But. I care. I do care, a great deal for Sorrel. I care for you. So ... if knowing this helps you, helps him, then I'll know it. Just, don't be surprised if I'm not surprised. I've lived something of a trauma filled life.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 07:16 pm (UTC)I'm so happy that we met you.
[He's grows a little quiet for a moment then, unsure how to start talking about this, until he thinks he can relate it to some stories he hears about the Dalish.]
So you know how a lot of people seem to think that the Dalish are very... self-focused. You'll hear about how the Clans all believe in only one way to be a proper elf? And that all other paths are inferior or damaged in some way?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 08:30 pm (UTC)Yeah. I know. It's ... sort of adorable that the Dalish think they've got the only lock on being an elf. I mean, come on. Running about in the woods and killing humans isn't exactly - nevermind, that's not what we're talking about.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 09:12 pm (UTC)How do you think they treat people who are members of the Clan but who don't fall in line with their ideas of perfection?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 09:31 pm (UTC)What did they do to you? What did they make you do?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-25 09:58 pm (UTC)Nothing physical... At least, not really. Not to me, and probably not to him.
It's more a deep, rooted sense of not being good enough. You're told over and over and over that to be a member of the Clan, to be a part of that family, it means a certain thing. It means clinging to the past and carrying on the blood line. It means duty. It means a binding and children. I was convinced until I came to the Inquisition that eventually I'd make some poor girl a bored husband and have children and teach them the ways of The People.
And that's me. I'm no mage. I'm no Keeper's son. Sorrel has a mother who demands perfection and a role which dictates that he will eventually lead the Clan. I'm willing to bet, it must feel as if the whole future of The People are on his shoulders and if he ever falters, if he ever stumbles, if he ever does anything for himself, he'll fail them all.
Falling in love with someone other than a perfect Dalish wife would be faltering. It would be a betrayal. It would mean disappointing everyone.
I could do it. I could turn my back on the Clan, but he can't as easily. I have freedom that he hasn't been allowed. His freaking out when you tried to kiss him isn't necessarily sign that he doesn't want you, Adasse. It could mean the exact opposite.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-26 03:09 am (UTC)Can you come to my room? I can't talk about this over the crystals. It's just ... I got to figure this out and I would like your help. Please.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-26 03:12 am (UTC)[And Cyril closes the crystal connection just so that he can go to Adasse right away.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-26 03:26 am (UTC)Okay. So. I think that your Clan is absolute garbage - putting that kind of pressure on their children that they can only be 'real elves' if they do what you want them to do. That's as bad as the fucking humans, by the by. And I, frankly, have no problem showing Sorrel how worthy he is of everything. That he can and should be happy, and I would be honored if he let me do that but.
[He exhales, looking at Cyril solemnly.]
...he would hate me, Cyril. If I was the reason he didn't have a Clan anymore. Didn't have a family. I know how hard it is, to have no one. I don't want that for Sorrel. Never. So... I don't know what to do.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-26 03:31 am (UTC)I know what you mean. The times I've tried to tell him he doesn't have to go back, he got mad at me. I ended up dropping the subject completely to avoid a fight...
I'm not sure he can convince him to do anything either way. If he made the choice to not go back, it can't be 'for' you. It has to be for himself.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 12:51 am (UTC)... You know, I never planned on joining the Inquisition and giving up all my personal walls. But here I am, dealing with Complicated Dalish Mating rituals in which the mother of the man I want to court doesn't think I'm worthy of it without even meeting me.
[He put his hands on his hips.]
Well. Nothing for it. I'm going to need to talk to him. About ... things.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 01:06 am (UTC)[He offers Adasse a little smile.]
I'm sorry to drag you into this. On the plus side, he's going to want to talk to you soon too, and that will probably give you the opening to discuss all of this with him.
That's how I knew to ask you about this.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 04:11 am (UTC)[He gives Cyril a quiet little smile in turn, before rubbing his head.]
... So he talks about me, huh? [An Adasse smirk appears.] Please tell me you talked me up.
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