[Adasse looks up, his dark gaze narrowing thoughtfully for a moment, before he exhales and tips his head down over the scroll he is trying to work his way through. He knows Sorrel has been avoiding him - or at least avoiding everyone. He Thinks it has to do with Beleth leaving in the middle of the night and not saying who with what or the where.
At least, that's what he's hoping.]
Hey, love.
[He looks up at the apology, surprised and with a sudden twist to his stomach. Why, what did you do?, which is immediately followed by relief. This is not an admission of some unnamed crime, some dalliance in the shadows. Just ... Sorrel not being able to deal and shutting Adasse out.]
I'm not mad. [He puts the scroll aside, frowning for a moment.] I'm worried. You're fading, sweetheart. Right before my eyes.
[It's a lie, and a bad one; more honest to say that Sorrel doesn't mean anyone to be worried for his fading. Sorrel has often been guilty of both realizing how deep a hole he's dug into, and submitting to the temptation to dig faster. It's just how he is; Beleth, were she here, would call it dramatic and roll her eyes. She isn't.]
I'm sorry. [The apology blurts out of him like a reflex. Again.] Will you... Can I have...
[He stops, disgusted with his own hesitation, and exhales sharply.]
[Just like that, Adasse melts. It doesn't take much, honestly. He's up on his feet and moving towards the other elf without a pause, his arms going around Sorrel and pulling him into his chest.]
Absolutely I will.
[Came the muffled answer, his face buried into Sorrel's hair.]
[His own voice is muffled too, pressed against Adasse's shirt, arms tight and clinging around his back. He can't seem to stop apologizing, for avoiding Adasse, for letting the silence stretch this long, for thinking only of his own feelings... and now, for falling apart. He breathes in and is only made more embarrassed to hear the ugly wetness of it; he's crying, and over what?]
She left and..and I— I don't know where, or why. I don't know what to do with myself. I left the clan to follow her and now she's gone. And all I can do about it is blubber like a baby. I'm useless.
[The loathing in his voice is unfeigned; he thought he'd left most of his mother's influence behind when he left the clan, but Sorrel can't escape his burden's quite that easily.]
I don't even know how long... or if she's ever coming back. Or where she is, and I... I thought she was doing work here that— I thought... [He'd thought that if Beleth trusted anyone enough, if she had a reason to leave, she'd take him with her. She'd trust him, or at least... but it's the second time, and here again he's been left behind. She had always been the most important person in the world to him, his first priority, and now he doesn't know anymore if that's reciprocated. When Sorrel continues, his voice is small, weak and wondering.]
I just wish I knew why I can't ever just be... good enough.
Shhhhh, shhhhh ... you are not useless. You've never been useless.
[Right now, honestly, Adasse would happily stab Beleth in the face for doing this to Sorrel. He'd follow it up with stabbing his mother for making him think he was useless to begin with.]
I am absolutely positive that if Beleth left here without telling you why - it's to keep you safe. Whatever she was going to do was going to be absolutely suicidal, and she didn't want you following her. Because Sorrel, you would.
[Without a thought or hesitation, his lover would go and chase Beleth and possibly get himself killed in the process and then they were back to Adasse stabbing Beleth.
Sorrel gets a slight shake, and a tense.]
You're good enough for me. You've always been too good for me, honestly.
Shut up. You always say that, you say it, but it isn't true! I'm not some noble prince, and even if I ever was, I'm not that anymore. I'm... alone.
[Not entirely, he knows: Adasse, for example, is right here in his arms. But alone, without a clan, without even what he'd thought of as his last bastion... alone, outside of his home, and his context, and his religion. He would like to push back, to shake Adasse right back, but it's too hard, so instead he just clings harder. As if he could somehow exact some vague idea of punishment by simply holding on too tightly.]
And you're... you're here. [Well, that anger ran out of steam quickly.] Why are you here.
[It comes out sounding like whm re oo ere, pressed against Adasse's shoulder.]
Why did you pick me? Was it because of... of all the... the things I don't have, anymore? I keep thinking, I need to know why, so I can do something. Keep it from going away. But that's crazy, isn't it? [It has to be. No one thinks that way: as if all he had to do to keep Adase's regard was find some facet of himself, some gesture, and repeat it endlessly. He hates himself.] It's crazy. I... Am I?
Oi ... oi now. I did not fall in love with you because you were noble anything, even if you are. Beyond that - you're only alone if you want to be alone. There are plenty of other elves here without a clan -- so many you could just form your own clan.
[Adasse is not sure if it is pleasure or punishment - Sorrel is holding him hard enough to bruise ribs at this point.]
I picked you because you looked at me and for the first time in my entire bloody life, I felt ... seen. Appreciated. I'm in love with you because you're the sweetest elf I've ever known in my entire life. You're kind, and smart, and fucking beautiful and I love all of that about you. I love your faith and your love of your history and your people and I love that you make me love it too. So just ... shut up about being crazy. You're not crazy. You're just Sad right now, and you're crap at being sad Sorrel, because you always think you're burdening people with your sadness. But you're not. You're allowed to be sad, all right?
[At that Sorre does ease up. He goes slack, not from anger, but in shock. Allowed to be sad. Allowed. It seems so petty and ridiculous an idea, permission to feel an emotion, as if he needed any such thing. But the painful, striking agony of it was; he did need the permission.
He needed it. Because he hadn't been... Sorrel turns his blotchy, tear-wetted face up towards Adasse, not sure if he should feel outraged or upset, or simply...sad. Empty. Adasse's arms are still around him, and he's talking. He's said so many things, about kindness and faith and that little bite of a joke; you're crap at being sad, Sorrel.]
But. What if I'm... too much. And you...
[Leave. What if Adasse leaves him? What if he's not good enough? But even so, the desperate fervency is gone. He's sad. Sorrel is sad, and shocked hollow with the idea of the freedom to do so, and that it be safe to feel it truly.]
...I... I'm scared, 'Dasse. And I am bad at... that. I love you. [small and sweet and undeniably honest, that tone. Sorrel repeats it, stronger:] I love you.
[Adasse looked at him, dark eyes meeting green, and leaned in so their foreheads were pressed together.]
Just stop, Sorrel. I'm never going to leave you because you're too sad. If you're sad then it's my job to be here and hold you and tell you it's going to be all right eventually -- even if it is a lie. To cheer you up when you want to be cheered.
[A deep, deep breath in.]
I love you, sweetheart. I love you so much that seeing you like this, seeing you lock yourself away from being ... yourself, in any way, is like getting stabbed all over again. I'm sorry Beleth left. I'm sorry your mother is crap. I am sorry your clans are a bunch of elitist arseholes. But I am never sorry for loving you, I am never going to be sorry for staying with you until we both die, and I will never, ever regret loving you.
[Another little shake of his shoulders.] So be sad. I'm here. I've got you.
[For a few straining moments, it's all Sorrel can do to simply breathe, and grimace against the hot flow of yet more tears. It's embarrassing, as if Sorrel isn't doing enough at the moment and the Creators thought it might amuse to pile on yet more. Eventually he manages to do more than press back up against Adasse's brow.]
You... you bully. You're making me cry.
[He was already crying, but now he's crying more. It's hard to sound fake-indignant around all the very real emotions, but Sorrel gives it a sad, pathetic try. Then he gives up and just closes his eyes and lets it happen.]
I interrupted your work. [Which is some special breed of masochism, to now be looking for reasons that he should be a burden, rather than simply encountering them as he goes. It's almost a joke, the attempt is so token.] So I could cry on you.
[Adasse lifted one hand to swipe some of the tears away. He smiled a little sadly himself when Sorrel told him that he was a bully.]
Yeah, I know. I'm a bastard.
[He closes his own eyes, and held Sorrel close to him. Another snort came up, as he murmured.] You can interrupt me whenever you want. All I'm trying to do is be useful and translate some things. So go ahead and cry.
Useful. [Pff.] You're already the most useful person in bloody Kirkwall...
[Sorrel sniffs a little and lets the silence cup its hands around them, feeling the movement of air and heart, swallowing up the lingering tail of his own weary sorrow in the gentle back and forth rocking of their combined balance. He sighs, eyes closed, strangely content; crying was like that, wasn't it? Like the clean smell, after a good strong rain. He felt washed out, scraped clean.]
You're not really, you know: a bastard. Or a bully. You're so good. The best.
You know ... you'd think someone who can open a variety of locks would be, but honestly? I don't get as many calls as that.
[Adasse mused, before he curled Sorrel up closer into his embrace. Breathing in Sorrel, breathing out his own worries and concerns. Sorrel did that to him. He brought Adasse a peace he'd never really known.]
You are also the best, and I don't want to hear any argument about it.
[And the response, of course, is a strangled little grumble. He was absolutely about to make just such an argument, and Adasse cut him off at the knees.]
[Sorrel tips his head back, looking up at Adasse consideringly. Then he reaches to cup Adasse's face in both hands, pulls him down slightly, and kisses him. By the time it's over, he's smiling too.]
[For just a moment, Sorrel looks surprised. If he'd been the type, he might have squeaked— even after this much time together, he's still not used to it. But then he laughs, and throws his arms around Adasse's neck.]
Oh, really. That's awfully presumptuous of you, Mr. Agassi.
[Sorrel is nothing loathe; he grins and leans deliberately into Adasse's grip. He'd complain, if only for consistency, about being picked up and whirled around like a doll, but the joy in the moment is too precious to discard simply for the sake of a running joke.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-04-27 05:01 am (UTC)At least, that's what he's hoping.]
Hey, love.
[He looks up at the apology, surprised and with a sudden twist to his stomach. Why, what did you do?, which is immediately followed by relief. This is not an admission of some unnamed crime, some dalliance in the shadows. Just ... Sorrel not being able to deal and shutting Adasse out.]
I'm not mad. [He puts the scroll aside, frowning for a moment.] I'm worried. You're fading, sweetheart. Right before my eyes.
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Date: 2019-04-28 03:57 pm (UTC)[It's a lie, and a bad one; more honest to say that Sorrel doesn't mean anyone to be worried for his fading. Sorrel has often been guilty of both realizing how deep a hole he's dug into, and submitting to the temptation to dig faster. It's just how he is; Beleth, were she here, would call it dramatic and roll her eyes. She isn't.]
I'm sorry. [The apology blurts out of him like a reflex. Again.] Will you... Can I have...
[He stops, disgusted with his own hesitation, and exhales sharply.]
...Hold me?
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Date: 2019-04-30 01:45 am (UTC)Absolutely I will.
[Came the muffled answer, his face buried into Sorrel's hair.]
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Date: 2019-05-01 02:41 am (UTC)[His own voice is muffled too, pressed against Adasse's shirt, arms tight and clinging around his back. He can't seem to stop apologizing, for avoiding Adasse, for letting the silence stretch this long, for thinking only of his own feelings... and now, for falling apart. He breathes in and is only made more embarrassed to hear the ugly wetness of it; he's crying, and over what?]
She left and..and I— I don't know where, or why. I don't know what to do with myself. I left the clan to follow her and now she's gone. And all I can do about it is blubber like a baby. I'm useless.
[The loathing in his voice is unfeigned; he thought he'd left most of his mother's influence behind when he left the clan, but Sorrel can't escape his burden's quite that easily.]
I don't even know how long... or if she's ever coming back. Or where she is, and I... I thought she was doing work here that— I thought... [He'd thought that if Beleth trusted anyone enough, if she had a reason to leave, she'd take him with her. She'd trust him, or at least... but it's the second time, and here again he's been left behind. She had always been the most important person in the world to him, his first priority, and now he doesn't know anymore if that's reciprocated. When Sorrel continues, his voice is small, weak and wondering.]
I just wish I knew why I can't ever just be... good enough.
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Date: 2019-05-02 03:48 am (UTC)[Right now, honestly, Adasse would happily stab Beleth in the face for doing this to Sorrel. He'd follow it up with stabbing his mother for making him think he was useless to begin with.]
I am absolutely positive that if Beleth left here without telling you why - it's to keep you safe. Whatever she was going to do was going to be absolutely suicidal, and she didn't want you following her. Because Sorrel, you would.
[Without a thought or hesitation, his lover would go and chase Beleth and possibly get himself killed in the process and then they were back to Adasse stabbing Beleth.
Sorrel gets a slight shake, and a tense.]
You're good enough for me. You've always been too good for me, honestly.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-03 01:33 am (UTC)[Not entirely, he knows: Adasse, for example, is right here in his arms. But alone, without a clan, without even what he'd thought of as his last bastion... alone, outside of his home, and his context, and his religion. He would like to push back, to shake Adasse right back, but it's too hard, so instead he just clings harder. As if he could somehow exact some vague idea of punishment by simply holding on too tightly.]
And you're... you're here. [Well, that anger ran out of steam quickly.] Why are you here.
[It comes out sounding like whm re oo ere, pressed against Adasse's shoulder.]
Why did you pick me? Was it because of... of all the... the things I don't have, anymore? I keep thinking, I need to know why, so I can do something. Keep it from going away. But that's crazy, isn't it? [It has to be. No one thinks that way: as if all he had to do to keep Adase's regard was find some facet of himself, some gesture, and repeat it endlessly. He hates himself.] It's crazy. I... Am I?
no subject
Date: 2019-05-03 04:15 am (UTC)[Adasse is not sure if it is pleasure or punishment - Sorrel is holding him hard enough to bruise ribs at this point.]
I picked you because you looked at me and for the first time in my entire bloody life, I felt ... seen. Appreciated. I'm in love with you because you're the sweetest elf I've ever known in my entire life. You're kind, and smart, and fucking beautiful and I love all of that about you. I love your faith and your love of your history and your people and I love that you make me love it too. So just ... shut up about being crazy. You're not crazy. You're just Sad right now, and you're crap at being sad Sorrel, because you always think you're burdening people with your sadness. But you're not. You're allowed to be sad, all right?
no subject
Date: 2019-05-03 04:30 am (UTC)He needed it. Because he hadn't been... Sorrel turns his blotchy, tear-wetted face up towards Adasse, not sure if he should feel outraged or upset, or simply...sad. Empty. Adasse's arms are still around him, and he's talking. He's said so many things, about kindness and faith and that little bite of a joke; you're crap at being sad, Sorrel.]
But. What if I'm... too much. And you...
[Leave. What if Adasse leaves him? What if he's not good enough? But even so, the desperate fervency is gone. He's sad. Sorrel is sad, and shocked hollow with the idea of the freedom to do so, and that it be safe to feel it truly.]
...I... I'm scared, 'Dasse. And I am bad at... that. I love you. [small and sweet and undeniably honest, that tone. Sorrel repeats it, stronger:] I love you.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-03 10:01 pm (UTC)Just stop, Sorrel. I'm never going to leave you because you're too sad. If you're sad then it's my job to be here and hold you and tell you it's going to be all right eventually -- even if it is a lie. To cheer you up when you want to be cheered.
[A deep, deep breath in.]
I love you, sweetheart. I love you so much that seeing you like this, seeing you lock yourself away from being ... yourself, in any way, is like getting stabbed all over again. I'm sorry Beleth left. I'm sorry your mother is crap. I am sorry your clans are a bunch of elitist arseholes. But I am never sorry for loving you, I am never going to be sorry for staying with you until we both die, and I will never, ever regret loving you.
[Another little shake of his shoulders.] So be sad. I'm here. I've got you.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-04 03:23 am (UTC)You... you bully. You're making me cry.
[He was already crying, but now he's crying more. It's hard to sound fake-indignant around all the very real emotions, but Sorrel gives it a sad, pathetic try. Then he gives up and just closes his eyes and lets it happen.]
I interrupted your work. [Which is some special breed of masochism, to now be looking for reasons that he should be a burden, rather than simply encountering them as he goes. It's almost a joke, the attempt is so token.] So I could cry on you.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-05 03:35 am (UTC)Yeah, I know. I'm a bastard.
[He closes his own eyes, and held Sorrel close to him. Another snort came up, as he murmured.] You can interrupt me whenever you want. All I'm trying to do is be useful and translate some things. So go ahead and cry.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-06 02:25 am (UTC)[Sorrel sniffs a little and lets the silence cup its hands around them, feeling the movement of air and heart, swallowing up the lingering tail of his own weary sorrow in the gentle back and forth rocking of their combined balance. He sighs, eyes closed, strangely content; crying was like that, wasn't it? Like the clean smell, after a good strong rain. He felt washed out, scraped clean.]
You're not really, you know: a bastard. Or a bully. You're so good. The best.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-06 03:51 pm (UTC)[Adasse mused, before he curled Sorrel up closer into his embrace. Breathing in Sorrel, breathing out his own worries and concerns. Sorrel did that to him. He brought Adasse a peace he'd never really known.]
You are also the best, and I don't want to hear any argument about it.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-06 07:37 pm (UTC)Fenedhis.
You're lucky you're cute, Adasse Agassi.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-07 03:21 am (UTC)I'm lucky at a lot of things, but I'll definitely take cute.
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Date: 2019-05-07 03:42 am (UTC)[Sorrel tips his head back, looking up at Adasse consideringly. Then he reaches to cup Adasse's face in both hands, pulls him down slightly, and kisses him. By the time it's over, he's smiling too.]
A lot of things indeed, ma'nehn.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-08 01:02 am (UTC)What else am I, sweetheart? I'm dying to know.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-09 04:41 am (UTC)[You can tell he's feeling better when he's back to that tone.]
Gorgeous. Strong. Very clever. Maybe too clever for your own good, sometimes. Loyal. Generous. Mine.
[All his. Sorrel closes his eyes and sighs, back to that contented, rocking silence.]
I'm okay now, love, really.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-09 08:41 pm (UTC)[He chuckled softly before he leaned in and gave the other elf's ass a gentle squeeze.]
Good, so I am going to claim this as mine as well.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-11 03:28 pm (UTC)Oh, really. That's awfully presumptuous of you, Mr. Agassi.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-12 08:01 pm (UTC)I know, good thing I know you like it.
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Date: 2019-05-13 01:40 am (UTC)[Sorrel is nothing loathe; he grins and leans deliberately into Adasse's grip. He'd complain, if only for consistency, about being picked up and whirled around like a doll, but the joy in the moment is too precious to discard simply for the sake of a running joke.]
The way you always sweep me off my feet.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-14 01:09 am (UTC)[Adasse put Sorrel down, slipped his hands down around Sorrel's arse once more and bit down on his upper lip playfully.]
no subject
Date: 2019-05-14 02:16 am (UTC)[He's up on his tiptoes now, all the better to lean in and up, teasing.]
Which I really ought not to allow, being that I'm meant to be some kind of authority in this place. And yet.
I could be convinced.
[Convince him, Adasse. The eyebrow waggle commands you.]
no subject
Date: 2019-05-15 03:16 am (UTC)[Clearly the eyebrow waggle made him do it, lean in to press a warm, open kiss to Sorrel's smiling lips, tipping him back a little.]
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